Musings on 'Perfect'

All tied up.

I have a note in my phone that I come across occasionally.

If living like this is the price of perfect-I don’t want it.

I remember I was feeling the pressure of some sort of task I was trying to perform. I don’t remember exactly what I was doing, but I do remember the feeling of desperation I had, and how it lingered changing the situation into an unpleasant one. I wanted whatever I was doing to be ‘perfect’. I was either trying to clean something or capture the right picture, something relatively simple, it really should not have been a high stress moment- but my desire for perfection set the tone.

What does perfect really accomplish? Is there some sort of secret perfect guild that one gets accepted to? Does it make the sense of accomplishment feel better? For me, I think it was having parents that didn’t really notice you unless you were on fire screaming or knocking it out of the park.

An exquisitely terrible rendition of a fake Perfect Guild sign, I am proving a point.

I chose the knocking it out of the park option, to get attention. It is not my parents’ direct fault and I don’t despise them for it. Life throws you curveballs, and no one makes it out of here without making mistakes, it is silly to think otherwise. But I do think it was the methods in which I sought attention that developed this pattern in me. Striving for perfect in interesting ways, trying to be 100% on the ball and not needing correction, being self-sufficient, accomplished and productive(lol, gross). I find that this behavior has manifested in little ways that negatively impact my life.

I recently went on vacation to a place I had never been before. It was exhilarating to have a sense of adventure back in my life. As I tried to experience all of my surroundings and observe all I could, there was a sense of tension. I needed to somehow capture all of these new things perfectly. How else was I supposed to remember this trip was enjoyed, unless I had the perfect photo of the sunset that was happening right before my eyes? As I tapped my phone to change the lighting- cursing that it was not capturing the slight pinks in the clouds, I realized the stress of trying to perfect the picture was hindering my ability to just enjoy the moment. It was such an unnecessary tension being applied to a moment that should have been otherwise peaceful and grounding. Why did my photo need to be perfect? I put my camera down and told myself, the quick snap of the sunset was enough. It’ll be nice to see it again and remember the moment not the anxiousness I was burdening myself with.

I believe many of us do this in one way or another.

In a previous post I talk about how being creative for some means being good at a craft and in turn makes them feel productive. It seems we confuse ‘good’ with ‘perfect’ especially in the creative world. Particularly now with social media, and easy access to creatives that may be viewed as masters of their craft. Though it can be inspiring to see these highly successful masters and one could learn some tricks of the trade it can also be damaging to those who are stuck in the bindings of social comparison, in which it could be argued social media was designed for that purpose. To keep its audience wanting more, coming back to get a dose of self loathing through comparing their lives and skills to almost the whole world. The thought of perfection can drive obsession and insane amounts of self pressure and can also stop a creative dead in their tracks. I’m not saying trying to improve a certain method or skill is bad but to expect the accomplishment of perfect, is unreasonable.

And I am here to say, if all that stress, if all that pressure is the price to pay to achieve perfection, I don’t fucking want it. Give me the crooked lines, the unfinished works, the mistakes, the lessons, all of the elements that come with living on a rare life covered rock hurtling through space.